Of painkillers and chemistry jokes
by Lokithenightfury
Summary: Colonel Roy Mustang and the Fullmetal Alchemist in the same room, with Edward high as a kite on painkillers... What could possibly go wrong?


**I really thought that ideas for this fandom were done... Then this little fic kicked me and demanded attention XD This is purely humour mixed with lame nerdy jokes so scientists out there, I salute you \\(^o^)/ With all that said, thank you for giving little me a bit of your time~**

 **Enjoy! ^.^**

* * *

 _Well, here we are again._ Mustang thought with a sigh, leaning against the door separating himself from Edward and his mechanic, Winry.

After an intense fight with yet another deranged criminal, Ed had managed to crush his automail arm while trying to evade a flying alchemy-induced boulder. If it wasn't enough, the leg of the same material is now at the bottom of a river, snapped off by Edward himself.

Of course, the young alchemist _had_ to have been almost thrown off a cliff before Roy finished off the criminal. By the cause of his own injuries, Roy had to order Edward to abandon the metal leg in order to pull him from his one-handed grip on the edge of the cliff. With a significant amount of weight lost, Roy had managed to painfully tug Ed from the ledge before they both could plunge into the river below.

Unfortunately, Edward's barely saved life was now being threatened by a furious mechanic with an impressively hard wrench.

"Could you stop _hitting_ me!" Edward yelled, his voice muffled by the door Mustang was currently leaning against.

A few minutes earlier, when Winry had finally announced that the new automail was ready for connecting, Roy was thrown out of the room by a red-faced Ed who insisted that he didn't want him to "see him in his moment of weakness".

After a short bout of yelling and arguing, Roy had sighed and allowed Alphonse to lead him to the door, where he currently found himself.

"It's not my fault," Winry huffed from the other side, "I told you to stop tensing up, you know how it makes things worse."

"Brother, you know that you have to listen to Winry." Alphonse scolded.

"Ain't my fault." Ed huffed. "This thing's freaking painful."

"We haven't even connected anything yet, I'm just preparing. Besides, I'm using a new kind of pain killer this time, you shouldn't feel too much." Winry said. "Stop being such a big baby."

"I'm not a big baby!" Ed shrieked.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You're a _small_ baby." Winry said, earning a barely suppressed snicker from Al.

"I'm not small! And could you stop calling me a baby!" Ed complained.

"Yeah, you're right." Mustang yelled, unable to contain himself. "Babies drink their milk."

"What'd you say?!" Ed shrieked before being soothed by Al and earning another complaint from Winry along with a thump on the head.

A few minutes later, Winry started her countdown, ignoring Ed's protests. "Three, two-"

"OW!" Ed yelled. "What happened to one?" He said in a pained mumble.

"Dunno." Winry said, she raised her voice. "Hey Colonel, you can come in now! Ed's not as threatening."

Mustang complied and opened the door, entering the room. Ed was lying on the bed, flesh arm thrown across his face and breaths coming out in painful gasps and groans. Al was muttering soothing words while Winry pulled out a few pills.

"Is he alright?" Mustang said, unable to suppress his concerns.

"Oh don't worry." Winry reassured. "Unfortunately, he's used to it."

She took a glass of water and the pills. "Hey, Ed, I have some pills here that'll help you. They're pretty strong, so you'll be pulled under in no time."

Ed took the pills with a shaking hand and quickly put them in his mouth, accepting the glass of water and gulping it down. He plopped back down with a sigh and Winry got up.

"I have to go get some more tools. I've put most of the pieces on, but there's still a few missing before I can call my job done." She said. "Al, I'll need you help. Could you come with me?"

"Yeah, sure." The youngest Elric said, getting up.

"Well then," Mustang said, "I guess I'll take my leave too, my paperwork's calling."

"Wait, I need you to look over Ed." Winry said. "As much as I'd like to do the job myself, I really need those parts and only I know where to get them. Besides, Al is used to helping me and I need to get to work fast, so I can't explain everything to you."

"But-" Mustang started.

"I'm sorry... As much as Ed would insist on taking care of himself, that new painkiller might put him out of it, so I need someone to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." Winry said, leading herself and Al to the door. "We won't be gone for long, take care of him!" With that, she and Al left, leaving Mustang alone with Ed.

"Guess I can't complain..." Mustang muttered, walking over to Ed's bed and painfully lowering himself on the chair next to it.

"Damn ribs..." He groaned, rubbing at his hidden bandages, a repercussion from his fight.

Mustang looked over to Ed. The young alchemist had a sleepy expression, his eyes gazing at the ceiling in a daze.

 _At least he isn't in pain anymore_. Roy thought. _If those pills can quiet him so quickly, I'll need Miss Rockbell to let me carry some with me._

Mustang chuckled at his own joke. Ed slowly turned his head towards him, he stared for a few seconds then split into a dazed grin.

"Oh, hi!" He said, his words slurring. "Didn't notice you there."

 _On second thought..._

 _"_ Fullmetal, how _high_ are you? _"_ He said in disbelief.

Ed's brow scrunched up. "I believe I'm 5'4..." He slurred.

 _Oh lord._

The effects of the medicine were painfully obvious; the blonde was blinking slowly, his mouth mumbling incoherent words and his limbs were splayed out around him. His eyes were lacking the usual sharpness, replaced with a foggy daze.

Ed frowned. "This is unacceptable, my legs are missing."

"Still one left Fullmetal, don't give up." Roy sighed, wishing Winry and Al would hurry up. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, fighting against a headache. "If this is what he's like with painkillers, I really don't want to see him drunk..."

"Hey hey, wanna hear a joke?" Ed whispered.

"No."

"Wanna know why you can't trust atoms? Cuz they make up everything!" Ed snickered at his own pun.

"Hilarious."

"I know right? Oh, what do you do with a dead alchemist?"

"I couldn't care less."

"You barium!" Ed laughed. "Your turn!"

Roy sighed. "Don't feel like it."

"What, is it hard for you? To me it's pretty..." Ed's cheeks puffed with laughter. "Basic!"

"Okay, that's enough." Roy groaned.

"If a king farts, is it considered a noble gas?"

"I don't know."

"Pretty sure that if oxygen and magnesium were to hear this, they'd say OMg!"

"You're infuriating."

Luckily for Mustang, Ed slipped into another daze, staring at the ceiling and blinking lazily, the effects of the pill evident. Roy sighed, enjoying the blissful silence.

After a too-short while, Ed interrupted his thoughts. "Hey." He said.

"What?" Mustang hesitated.

Ed groggily pointed his flesh finger at him. "You're-" He stopped, his eyes crossing to look at his own finger.

 _Oh lord, this is never going to end._

 _"_ I'm what?" Mustang grumbled. "Please don't make another dumb pun, I believe we have already been through all of them."

"No. You're... You're _strong."_ Ed mumbled, his hand plopping back to his side. "Like, I hated you at first, but then you got so nice, then you saved us so many times... I guess I see why Hawkeye and Havoc and Fuery and everyone else look up to you. I mean, you're just so _strong..."_

Mustang didn't know what to say; he had no idea Ed felt that way. _Well, I guess I grew fond of this shorty too... Though with everything he's gone through, the word strong fits him much more than it does to me..._

Suddenly, he felt bad for being so impatient with Ed and making fun of him, the kid deserves a little more kindness from his part.

"... For an old man."

He doesn't feel so bad anymore.

He noticed Ed's head jerking as he slipped from consciousness _. "_ How about you go to sleep, Fullmetal? _"_ Roysaid between gritted teeth, his patience was thinking quickly.

"What?" Ed whined. "I'm not sleepy." He yawned.

"That's too bad. I'm pretty sure you are."

"I'm fi-" Ed cut himself off, falling asleep before he could finish his sentence.

 _Finally_.

With the silence, Ed's light snores and the exhaustion from his still-recuperating wounds, Roy closed his eyes. Too soon, they were opened by the sound of footsteps running up the stairs and the door opening.

"Sorry! We got caught up..." Al started, then lowered his voice when he saw his brother sleeping, gently placing his packages on the ground.

"He wasn't too much of a pain, was he?" Winry whispered, dropping her own bags beside Al's. "Was the medicine effective?"

"You have no idea." Roy rubbed his face. "Remind me never to let him break his automail again..."

* * *

 **Hopefully, a few of you understood Ed's nerdy jokes XD If you're still reading this, you deserve a medal and this nice cyber cookie (::) Don't forget to drop a review, they are my source of happiness ^.^**


End file.
